A couple of nights ago I had plans to meet Daniel for dinner; meeting point was Town Hall station. My car had been parked at Redfern Station ( due to a meeting I will explain later) and when I went to buy a ticket I was just over a dollar short, pricey just for two stops also so I decided to walk all the way.
It was a rainy night but it had just started to fall so it was quite bearable. I made my way down George Street without an umbrella and I relished the feeling of the cool sprinkles as they landed on my skin, one after the other. They slowly built up, till they started to become more visible as wet patches on my clothes.
As I walked I noticed how many foreign owned businesses I was passing, one after the other. They were full of foreign made products and of course these businesses were catering to foreign people and you could see them in there shopping. I could not imagine an Australian citizen would want to visit those stores let alone buy anything from there. These stores are very common in Sydney, mostly on George Street but also in similar common areas such as around Central Station.
Walking along I also noticed how ugly the buildings were and how common and uninteresting everything I was viewing on this street was. There were no theatres to be seen, no street performances, no excitement or and certainly no vibe. I wanted to run so that I could blur the image of what I was seeing and if that didn’t work I figured I could click my heels together three times and be elsewhere, somewhere more like home.
There is no place like home is the conclusion to this story. I wanted so much to be away from Sydney at that point as everything around me did not match what I needed from my surroundings. That is how I came to realising that I was not happy in Sydney and I needed to go home to Melbourne. The big multicultural city with the funky alive vibe, happy down to earth people and the hidden laneways where if you are curious like myself, can find a hole in the wall bar and meet some amazing people.
Here in Sydney I had been settling and trying to make good of something that I knew was bad. I have been forcing my soul to be something that it was not in a make believe world that is not Melbourne.
Having been born and raised in Melbourne I guess I am bias, people do tend to feel more at home in their home town. That could be due to having ties back home but for me I also know that I am a different person in Melbourne, I am more inclined to dress like myself and be free. Some people however go to another city and thrive; I guess that depends on the city and on the person’s needs.
After a life changing experience in Melbourne my sister needed to get away from Australia and she went to London to visit the only two relatives we had there and is still there five years later. Why did she stay in London you ask? Well you would have to ask her but I know from what she tells me, that the people are different and she meets the most amazing characters, ones that if in Melbourne she would not have had the chance to meet. The atmosphere and the lifestyle is another factor that keeps her there, the world is at her doorstep!
From my own visit to London, I know what she means as while visiting her there I felt so alive; all of a sudden I felt freedom wash over me just from walking the streets. In Camden you can dress as you like and no one cares, you’re just another person dressing as you feel. Dressing as yourself and the fashion style in London is so individual and I love that.
I have often wondered, if I could dress anyway I please then how would I look? More importantly how would I look to myself and would I feel more like me.
Since attending Mind Body Spirit festival here in Sydney a couple of weeks ago, I have had a wakeup call and it is just what I needed. I found a part of me that wants to be free. The care free, laid back open minded woman I have buried deep down inside me needs to come out and I need to let my spirit run free. When I think of happy times I can only think of times in my childhood and that is quite sad really, my adult hood has not given me any much joy. How I long to be that child again and paint and draw without care, wear crazy handmade costumes and not care what the world thinks.
So, I had parked at Redfern station as I had just come from Bronte, where I was viewing a granny flat that I was looking to move into. It didn’t work out but I am still looking for a temporary home. From Wednesday night a lot has changed. I am still looking for a place to live in Sydney, but only for 6 months.
I have admitted defeat and released that I need to get back to Melbourne. I was sure about it on Wednesday night; I cried on the phone to my parents as I told them the news. Now I am somewhat unsure if I am making the right decision as I keep thinking that I may not have given Sydney a proper shot. I don’t believe that I will be going home with my tail between my legs, I have given myself six months more to give it a proper crack. Maybe the time limit is the motivation I need to make some positive changes! Plus, I will be going home a lot wiser and stronger.
I do however remember how I was in Melbourne, the rut I was in but I also remember the feeling I used to get wash over me as I walked the streets of the city and discovered new places. I was like Alice in Wonderland, my curiosity was rife and personality was still being discovered. I want to go back to that; I think it is a better base.
Once again, I am thinking of the future. I want to settle down in Melbourne, as in buy a place there and that is the only place I could see myself owning property. Another part of me wants to go to Byron bay and live on the beach, which I am also considering as a future move but I must take things one step at a time. For now I need a base to sort myself out.
If you know me you know that I am an unsettled soul, always trying new things out and trying to find where I fit (unsuccessfully I may add depending on how you look at my situation). I am looking for my tribe; my people and I will not stop till I find them and find where I am truly happy. Happy may not be the word perhaps content is a better word. Happiness to me is more of a feeling not a state of mind, we feel happy when something ‘good’ happens but the next day we can be sad about it as it doesn’t make us content.
Isn’t life’s journey all about not settling for second best and continuing to learn, grow and find where you belong? It is for me, it’s now become a choice I make as an individual. I also think that I have an unsettled nature but at least finding a place to live where I have inner joy and fulfilment in life to gain that contentment is a good place for me to start.
What good is a life where you are forcing yourself to be happy, a life that you are living just to get by. I want to live a life that is mine, one that I can be me, whoever that may be.
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