Checking in my emotional baggage

I have just woken up in my old bed, in my old room at my mum and dad's house back in Melbourne. It would have been more appropriate if I actually wrote last night rather then this morning but you see I was still trying to get used to the idea of being back home in Melbourne, for good and my mind was in overload.

All through my holiday in Byron I was counting the days, anticipating the moment and wanting the day that I move back to come much sooner.

I even woke up super early on the last day and got everything sorted so I can get out of Byron Bay and start over in Melbourne. Of late when I know I have to urgently do something, I do something else and leave the urgent to the last minute due to not wanting to deal with it, be it too much to handle or too much emotional effort.

I checked the departures screen at Ballina airport a hundred times for the time of departure even though I clearly knew it and probably that was the same number of times that I checked my phone for the time!

Yes, a little OCD I know but I was so eager to get back to Melbourne and start again as I felt ready to do this, start again in Melbourne and give it a proper shot this time around. I'm a stronger and more confident woman now so I am well excited to kick 2012's arse hard.

You should have seen me on the plane trip back , checking the guys wrist watch next to me constantly, as I couldn't use my mobile, trying to sleep even though I was cold just so I could kill the time to make it go faster. Ah, the things we do to trick ourselves!

When the plane was about to land I was like an over hyped child waiting for the stroke of midnight to happen on Christmas day just so I can open my gifts. I looked from window to window constantly, left and right and watched with a big smile on my face as the wheels touched down and I could see we had landed. Some would say I was too excited, perhaps I was but so what!

Last night I was so sad that I fell asleep crying due to the fact that I don't do good byes too well. I had been talking to a friend, somebody special that I left behind in Sydney and missed dearly, it was 1am and he had to hang up as he had just arrived home from a long night. As he said goodnight, I wanted to say more but had not the words or the ability to do so. I said goodnight and hung up and then I sat in bed flicking though pictures of us, then I fell asleep in my tears.

Anyone who I have been emotionally attached too or friends who know me well (few do) know this about me. I over think situations, change my mind a thousand times, make up scenarios, picture what the last goodbye will be like and then stress about it for a week till I'm anxious about it and on the verge of depression.

If I were a super hero I'd have to be an Xmen character. I'd have super human emotions mixed in with the super visual ability to see things before they happen due to imagination and id be able to over think any situation and visualise an ending, positive or negative depending on my mood.

Heavy I know, I'm a dork and I've finally realised and accepted the fact. We all deal with change in different ways as well as loss, separation and the downfall of our choices.

Today is another day, I'm going to keep settling in to my new, second chance life in Melbourne and then deal with the over thinking and emotional me later.

Loneliness brings out the desperation and clingy side in anyone, even the strongest, we just show it in different ways, some people in more of a subtle way where you have to read between the lines of what they say and some in an open "Ill tell you I need you straight up to your face" kinda way. Me I think I'm an in between kind of girl depending on the frame of mind I'm in on the day. Then again, I don't know but I'm done with all the over thinking for now, its way to early in the day to bring out my super powers.

Friday 27th of January 8.07am

My new year of oppertunities

As you know, 2011 was a crappy year for me, so I went into this new year with positive thoughts and big hopes and dreams. I had so many new years resolutions and I seem to be going well following them though, thus far.

New Years Eve itself was an outstanding night, one of the best experiences I've had in Sydney in the whole year of living here.

Its only mid Jan and I feel like things are looking up, even after just turning 31! So many new fresh experiences have popped up since the first day of the month.

Once again I have changed my mind about Sydney, I'm now leaving in two days to head to Byron Bay and then off to Melbourne, where I will stay. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in two minds about it as I have made connections with people I care about here and I can't bare to leave them but hands down, Melbourne is better for my soul. Or so I keep telling myself in order to convince myself that I must go. My heart is bleeding for Melbourne.

Last Thursday and Friday night I was a fill in Stage Kitten for the Polly Rae and Hurly Burly Girls show at the Factory Theatre. I had seen the advertisement on Facebook but hesitated due to the fact that my parents were heading down for my birthday weekend. I then threw caution to the wind and sent the Producer a picture of myself in burlesque costume attached to my email. I was put on the list as a fill in as I took too long in applying. I was so excited when I received that call Wednesday morning, I had to step up and get my Stage Kitten on. Another challenge I thought, bring it!

For those of you not familiar with that scene, Polly Rae's show is a burlesque show, where she and a bunch of woman get creative on stage and take items of clothing off, sing and dance around. My job was to assist some of the performers on and off stage, open curtains, hand over props, set props on stage and remove bras and costumes from the stage. All this is done by me alone, in heels and a tiny, sexy, costume!

Yes, me an awkward, shy and reserved woman helping to keep a burlesque production running smoothly. I can now rephrase that first part of the sentence to; me, the awkward, confident, go getter who isn't afraid to run around in fishnet stockings, heels and not much else and even curtsy and smile at the audience while being introduced on stage by the one and only Miss Polly Rae herself.

All I can say is, wow Sydney has made me a stronger, braver and more self assured woman, more so then I have ever felt in my life. Of course I also have friends here who have shown me the love and support I needed to grow into this unstoppable force! OK so not unstoppable, but I have set myself no limits this year.

On the Thursday night, my Stage Kitten debut, I had two friends in the audience. While heading down to meet with one before the show, I found a $50 note on the floor. I told him when I got to him and he said that 2012 is just starting but its been amazing so far. He is right, its going to be 100 times better then the last, as it already has started brilliantly!

What can I say now to top it all off, not much really. I would like to say that I am looking forward to what ever else the universe throws at me, like this film job in Sydney I got called for today. Looks like Sydney is not done with me yet. If all goes well with the director tomorrow, ill be back in Sydney end of March! This is all mental and I wouldn't want 2012 to be any other way.

Tuesday 17th January 8.57pm     

Cheers to my year of disappointment

So the first of January has come and gone already and I had spent it staggering home in the wee hours of the morning from a house party, sleeping in with a special someone, laughing a lot, listening to music and eating a delicious lunch followed by lazing around in my new lingerie in and out of a lazy sleep coma. I am off to a good start if my new year’s resolution is to have more fun and be care free (part of it is).  

It is a relief and a great feeling to have a brand new year unrolling round, as now I have a new chapter to start afresh and work on my new year’s resolutions , which I will probably forget about come the month of May.

I had been waiting for this year to be over for months now; it was such a bad year of disappointments for me and a year of loss and confusion.  Everything that could go wrong did and it did on a regular basis, much to my dismay. Quitting one of my job two days ago also added to the relief and I now feel I am ready for the New Year.

Over the last four or so months I have been debating with myself whether I stay in Sydney or leave to start afresh in my home town of Melbourne. I have had many doubts about returning back home as I am not one to just hit the road for an easy way out, I like a challenge and I like to test myself till I drive myself mad with options.  Although saying that I am one to drag excess baggage along with me and run from what I can’t escape in the hope that it will be better this time round.

A week ago I had made up my mind that I was heading back home after my trip to Byron and Melbourne. I then got myself all in a frenzy as I now had friendships that I was not willing to pack up and walk away from just yet, friendships which at this point of my life are fulfilling me on different levels and helping me to grow into a more confident woman.

I am actually starting to enjoy myself here in Sydney with the new life I alone have built for myself. Due to these strong connections and the thought of leaving in 3 weeks as well  as the thought of re-packing everything , getting rid of my lease and quitting my market job I was feeling overwhelmed.

Christmas away from the family for the second year in a row was a tough one, even though I did spend my day in the company of a lovely friend and her adorable family. This factor along with talking to friends I respect and look up to back in Melbourne and an old flame who is visiting there had me thinking that I had to get back home in order to be fulfilled and supported.

I ran though my confusions so many times with my older and wiser friend and she set me straight, no she more like made me see sense and realise that I don’t have to run home just yet, I can enjoy myself here in Sydney and take my new experiences as they come. This I have taken on board and I must say I like this adventure better than the one I was considering putting myself though.

So with that dilemma sorted I have decided April for some crazy reason, I don’t know why, I just figured that things in my life I am enjoying now will be different then. Basically I have given myself four months left in Sydney, however I still can’t comprehend leaving certain people but nor am I going to stay just for a feeling for contentment others are giving me right now. Contentment in your life must come from within, and who you are as an individual and not from others. Doing things to please others only leads you to resenting your true self and abandoning your soul.

Anyway, last night while sitting in my room before heading out to a friend’s house to celebrate New Year’s, I was thinking back on my year of disappointments. I thought that I would be spending Christmas and New Years Eve alone, but it appears that my luck had been changing of late because I am making the luck work for me.

I was a little apprehensive to attend the party I had been invited to because I was attending alone and I was a little nervous that I would be sitting there alone with a crowded house full of Sydney-siders that I did not know. I moped around my studio for a short period and took my time getting ready and I slowly made my way over.

Much to my surprise on arrival at around 10pm, it was a small gathering of about six people, most of whom I already knew though working on a film with them earlier on in the year. So this was a good sign as we all had common interest and these are the kind of people I need to be surrounded by. I sat down amongst them on the balcony, opened a bottle of cider and relaxed, chatted, listened to music and soaked up the position of the balcony which gave us the most breathtaking view of the city with the Harbour Bridge right in the middle. This was going to be a good New Years, I could tell.

 The night went on, quiet yet fun and cosy and later on in the evening just before midnight we were joined by a few others and the party took on a whole new vibe. The new comers we loud and crazy, shuffle dancing all over the balcony and we were all laughing like a bunch of mad people.

 There was great anticipation in the air as there was 20 minutes left of 2011. We all positioned our chairs, got comfy amongst one another and waited.

The fireworks over the city were something quite magical, better than I had expected. I was in the arms of a friend I cared about and we were taking in the moment for all that it was worth, it was a moment I knew would stay with me forever. The whole group of us, there on this tiny balcony watched as the sky lit up and the Harbour Bridge was made centre of attention.

It was in that brief moment in time as I was watching the new year change over in the company of my new friends, that I reminded myself of something I think I must have always known but somehow chosen to forget; What is important is not how you choose to spend your time celebrating something it is more about who you chose to spend your time celebrating it with.

Bring on 2012, I am ready.  

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Last night I walked though the city after the Christmas party which I attended for my market job. There was a sprinkle of light rain coming down and it felt strange wearing a coat at the start of summer but I relished the feeling of the drops of water as they hit my face. I could feel the crispness of the fresh air and it was actually a nice night to be walking even though it was almost midnight.

As I walked I started to reflect on my year and the constant battle that was being fought in my head continued, should I stay in Sydney or should I go to home to Melbourne. I have been swinging different ways every single day, one day I am staying, the next I am leaving.

There were a few other things on my mind last night all of which are relevant to the battle and more so to the root of my search for myself and the growth of myself as a responsible, and independent person.

Last night was the night that a film friend back home in Melbourne had his Made In Melbourne film festival, as he has for the last two years. I thought about how desperately I wanted to be there for the opening night and how amazing it would have been seeing my film buddies, the people I had spent a lot of time with over the years on and off film sets. I was part of the crew yet now I felt so out of the loop, because well I am.

When I was in Melbourne last for Samantha's funeral my friend and I hung out and we talked a lot. He did invite me to this event and I can't remember what I replied. I probably said "I will see". You see, I have become a "maybe" and a "I will see" kinda girl the last year and it is not till now that it has miraculously hit me that I am losing myself to a life I do not care for. I hate my second job, it is pointless and the hours mean I have no time to go home to an early dinner, let alone hold a social life. My market job is restricting me also from enjoying the summer getting out there and mingling with new people, I have cancelled so many meet ups with so many groups since I joined the site Meet Ups. I haven't been free to attend anything yet, I have been working both days over the weekends.

The dinner I was attending that night was set for 7pm, I got there at 8.30pm due to work, which I got held up at. This is my point exactly, I am living a life that is not me and it is heading the wrong way, like a plane being flown on auto pilot, that is how I feel.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that I have been missing out on taking trips to Melbourne to visit family and friends for birthdays, special occasions and events such as Made In Melbourne, which are all one offs.  I will not be home for Christmas or New Years this year. No I am not staying here to rage on in the city at some wild party with friends ( I have only a small group of friends in Sydney) the reason I am staying in Sydney for these special days while everyone else has friends and family close,  is to work at the markets.

I am doing so that I can make money to keep myself alive and pay my rent in January when the nut shop job is closed for a month due to a re-furb. I also have a trip to Byron I must fund in January and I have bills and rent that needs paying. This is now my new goal , save and work. This is why I didn't book a ticket down to be with my crew and this is why I will be alone and miserable come the holiday season.

Another thing that dawned on me yesterday is the fact that I haven't been on a film set since the start of the year, I can't remember the last time really, it has been too long. The reason for this is the same, I work weekends when they are mostly filmed and during the week which is when I work the days set out for me by my boss, I didn't allocate my "available" days, I just do whatI am given.

What I have learnt from these missed opportunities is that I need to be more assertive at work. If I can't work I cant work, I shouldn't organise what I want to do with my spare time with my boss, I should be assertive enough to say, I will be away from this day to this day, replace me please! At least I know what I need to work on.

I also realised that I need to spend more time on myself and more time with loved ones. This all stems back to the job choices I have made but having said that, I have the choice to leave. If I worked full time I could afford to take regular trips to Melbourne on the weekend and I also wouldn't be working all weekend at the markets. I could actually have a life too and get back to my Yoga practise which I have been leaving behind amongst other hobbies I no longer participate in.

You could say that I have worked out my New Years Resolution already. We all know that we never stick to these resolutions but I plan to because as a wise friend used to always say to me, "hindsight is a wonderful thing".

In the movies

In the movies, the romantic comedies to be exact the single women is protrayed to be somewhat unsure of what she wants from a guy, desperately seeking one and mostly awkward when around one. That is unless you watch Sex in the City. Those women although they sometimes get into weird situations , they mostly have the power, are successful individuals and are enjoying living in the city. Then again, they are not all single.

What I am getting at with this is that I am single and living right in the heart of the excitement, on my own and in my own place. This is my second night in Paddington and the only excitement I have had is happening right now as Eminem is playing at the sports stadiuem down the road. I guess that if I actually get out of my studio room I would actually discover a whole new world.

I have been living in Sydney for a year now and I don't feel that I have actually lived as I have been in the suburbs with families for neighbours but I must say I am missing the mornings at the beach, running on the sand followed by a swim afterwards.  I also miss my clean bathroom and my huge kitchen space, mostly my oven!

Living here now, I will be meeting more people and the right kind of people and I hope that I don't become one of those girls I mentioned from the romantic comedies. What am I saying, it is too late as I do get all stupid just like that chick in the movie "He is just not that into you". I swear that that charcter reacts the same way as I do when I'm seeing a guy, howver that is another blog post entirly.We can't follow those American films anyhow, right? If we did we would belive that teenagers went to school in minis and heels like the girls in Mean Girls. What a load of bull.

Anyway, all I know is that once I get off my behind and unpack everything and find every little item a home I will be settled and ready to discover my new surroundings. This change I know will influence the desicion I make of wheater I stay on in Sydney a little longer or if I leave after returning from my trip from Byron Bay. I am waiting to see if my feeling towards Sydney will change.

Today I went back to the old place to collect more of my things and I collapsed on the floor from being so overwhelmed by the stress of everything (mostly my mind numbing jobs which have been holding me back socially due to the hours and days I work) that I had one of those "I should have just went home" moments again which I have been having on a weekly basis lately since my life has been collapsing around me like smashed lego.

I called my mum in a hysterical fit and ranted on about what I would do on my arrival back to Melbourne. When I thought about it I really didn't know what I would do on my arrival. Where will I work, who will I be?

Not to worry, for now I just have to get by best I can, try and find new jobs so that I can live that Sex In The City lifestyle portrayed on the screen. Doubt it, like I said before, its all a load of bullshit. I do however want to enjoy my time in Sydney so that I don't look back at these times with bitter memories, not that I have bitter memories of Dan, just everything else like work and the opportunities I have missed due to working weekends and late nights during the week.

How I am going to do this will all make sense when my head is clear and more then anything I am just hoping that everything will fall into place and I will have my happy ending, just like in the movies.

Packing my life into boxes

It may be day three days or so now that I have been living alone in the apartment that I once shared with my ex and best friend of two years, Daniel . Who's counting anyway? Me of course.

Counting the days is not something I am doing because I am melancholy about the situation as it stands but more counting the days so that the chaos and waiting to start the next chapter of my life will be over soon. In a few days I will have my own little place to call home, and nobody to come home to.

On Sunday I worked during the day and I knew that Dan would be cleaning up and taking what he needed out of the apartment. I was quite aware that I would come home and all would be different. No more ABC radio blaring when I returned from work and the sound of speedway car videos playing on you tube will not be heard and no more Mittens tripping me over when she wants to eat in the mornings. No more long chats, no more feeling comfortable and certainly no more 'us', as a couple anyway.

Coming home after a killer of a day and not having your best friend of 2 years standing there to great you and coming home to find no furniture really sends you back down to earth and tells you that it is really happening. I wake up off the floor ( I am currently sleeping on a body pillow as I have no bed) and it becomes real again. It is just little me with my big dreams trying to make my way in a city which I am not sure I am fond of.

Even after we broke up, and continued living together, it felt like we were still a couple, just without the stuff couples do, the sexual and physical stuff. Now that Dan is finally removed from my everyday life it is starting to sink in, we are no longer together, just friends. Officially.

Now as I pack my life into boxes ready for my next move I reflect on what was and I smile, it was good but I look forward to moving on and starting again, for the 5th time in my life. But who is counting, not me. I don't have time to count, I am too busy packing my life into boxes!

Why cry when you can laugh at yourself

Every time I think that I am enjoying my new single life in Sydney, I get another major setback.

This morning I woke up remembering a dream I just had about my dear friend Samantha who passed away a couple of months ago. It was the first dream I have had of her since she passed, it was not a deep meaningful dream, just a dream where she appeared not in body I think but she was carrying on about some football memorabilia she had collected and she was showing me and her family.

Anyway, the details of the dream are not important. What is important is the fact that I woke from the dream a little confused but then it dawned on me, I must get up out of bed today and think differently.

I woke up, had breakfast and checked emails. I received a positive email from an agency that covers film and TV work so I was pretty happy about that, called them up and spoke to them. All good and seems like it may do me good.  I was on a high and I was thinking about how grateful I was to be alive so I texted two of my girlfriends a happy and positive message telling them I love them and miss them and that I will see them soon.

Finally after a long couple of months of being unsure about things I was looking at the positives. I am even planning of cancelling my career counselling session and working on this film career I have been dreaming of since forever.  I was just about to do that when I received a phone call from Daniel.

Daniel had been out to pick up the mail in Glebe (long annoying story right there), as he does every Friday morning without fail. So, I get this call from Daniel and he tells me that my car he was driving has been smashed up by a truck. From my experience with family and friends being involved in and dying in car accidents my first thought was I hope he is ok and then I asked him “you are joking, right?” He has pulled this stunt before, where he calls up and tells me something silly and then says it’s a joke. This time he was serious and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

My life, more like my year since being in Sydney has been one crazy situation after the other. Including some sad situations like the passing of a friend back home, realizing that you no longer love the person you are living with and have been with for two years. Then the setbacks like having no money, being stuck in a life draining job and having nowhere to live and not knowing where you will be the day after the present.

This may sound silly but I have come to the point in my life where when getting a phone call such as the one I just received today from Daniel about the car was a laughing matter, (once I knew he was ok of course).

So much shit has happened in my life that the only way I can now deal with it without turning to drugs or alcohol or even self harm (as I see no point to these alternatives) is to write about it and get it off my chest but even better than that, I laugh about it and make a joke of it.

I have always been the sort of person who laughs at situations no matter how bad it is (except for death of course, I never laugh or joke about death). My boyfriends cheat on me, no problems I have a joke for it. I have no money, no worries I can joke about selling my body on the streets or conger up funny situations I could put myself in to get extra cash. I have always dealt with things this way but more so the last year and a bit my way of thinking and dealing have changed. I have become so resilient and thick skinned and once you get to my age you really do stop looking at little setbacks so seriously.

Dan and I once went to a comedy gig in Sydney and a middle aged female comedian took to the stage. She was average weight and I remember she was wearing leggings (which gave her a small camel toe) with high heels , had saggy breasts and she looked like she was trying hard to dress well without a clue but she looked quite amusing.  I can’t remember her name but she was such a good story teller who gave a no holds bar run though of her life in a cynical, sarcastic and stupidly funny way. She picked at everything that had happened to her in her life and she took the Mickey out of herself quite well. Dan and I were in tears throughout her routine and when she left the stage I said to Dan, “If I had the balls to get up on stage I would so do that, give my ten more years and I may be cynical enough and not give a shit about what people think. That is me in 10 years I reckon.”

Like most things that I say and don’t follow through with, this is one of them. I am becoming tougher since living in Sydney and although it has made me bitterer at least I can still laugh at myself and that is better than crying about how much life sucks.