Checking in my emotional baggage

I have just woken up in my old bed, in my old room at my mum and dad's house back in Melbourne. It would have been more appropriate if I actually wrote last night rather then this morning but you see I was still trying to get used to the idea of being back home in Melbourne, for good and my mind was in overload.

All through my holiday in Byron I was counting the days, anticipating the moment and wanting the day that I move back to come much sooner.

I even woke up super early on the last day and got everything sorted so I can get out of Byron Bay and start over in Melbourne. Of late when I know I have to urgently do something, I do something else and leave the urgent to the last minute due to not wanting to deal with it, be it too much to handle or too much emotional effort.

I checked the departures screen at Ballina airport a hundred times for the time of departure even though I clearly knew it and probably that was the same number of times that I checked my phone for the time!

Yes, a little OCD I know but I was so eager to get back to Melbourne and start again as I felt ready to do this, start again in Melbourne and give it a proper shot this time around. I'm a stronger and more confident woman now so I am well excited to kick 2012's arse hard.

You should have seen me on the plane trip back , checking the guys wrist watch next to me constantly, as I couldn't use my mobile, trying to sleep even though I was cold just so I could kill the time to make it go faster. Ah, the things we do to trick ourselves!

When the plane was about to land I was like an over hyped child waiting for the stroke of midnight to happen on Christmas day just so I can open my gifts. I looked from window to window constantly, left and right and watched with a big smile on my face as the wheels touched down and I could see we had landed. Some would say I was too excited, perhaps I was but so what!

Last night I was so sad that I fell asleep crying due to the fact that I don't do good byes too well. I had been talking to a friend, somebody special that I left behind in Sydney and missed dearly, it was 1am and he had to hang up as he had just arrived home from a long night. As he said goodnight, I wanted to say more but had not the words or the ability to do so. I said goodnight and hung up and then I sat in bed flicking though pictures of us, then I fell asleep in my tears.

Anyone who I have been emotionally attached too or friends who know me well (few do) know this about me. I over think situations, change my mind a thousand times, make up scenarios, picture what the last goodbye will be like and then stress about it for a week till I'm anxious about it and on the verge of depression.

If I were a super hero I'd have to be an Xmen character. I'd have super human emotions mixed in with the super visual ability to see things before they happen due to imagination and id be able to over think any situation and visualise an ending, positive or negative depending on my mood.

Heavy I know, I'm a dork and I've finally realised and accepted the fact. We all deal with change in different ways as well as loss, separation and the downfall of our choices.

Today is another day, I'm going to keep settling in to my new, second chance life in Melbourne and then deal with the over thinking and emotional me later.

Loneliness brings out the desperation and clingy side in anyone, even the strongest, we just show it in different ways, some people in more of a subtle way where you have to read between the lines of what they say and some in an open "Ill tell you I need you straight up to your face" kinda way. Me I think I'm an in between kind of girl depending on the frame of mind I'm in on the day. Then again, I don't know but I'm done with all the over thinking for now, its way to early in the day to bring out my super powers.

Friday 27th of January 8.07am

My new year of oppertunities

As you know, 2011 was a crappy year for me, so I went into this new year with positive thoughts and big hopes and dreams. I had so many new years resolutions and I seem to be going well following them though, thus far.

New Years Eve itself was an outstanding night, one of the best experiences I've had in Sydney in the whole year of living here.

Its only mid Jan and I feel like things are looking up, even after just turning 31! So many new fresh experiences have popped up since the first day of the month.

Once again I have changed my mind about Sydney, I'm now leaving in two days to head to Byron Bay and then off to Melbourne, where I will stay. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in two minds about it as I have made connections with people I care about here and I can't bare to leave them but hands down, Melbourne is better for my soul. Or so I keep telling myself in order to convince myself that I must go. My heart is bleeding for Melbourne.

Last Thursday and Friday night I was a fill in Stage Kitten for the Polly Rae and Hurly Burly Girls show at the Factory Theatre. I had seen the advertisement on Facebook but hesitated due to the fact that my parents were heading down for my birthday weekend. I then threw caution to the wind and sent the Producer a picture of myself in burlesque costume attached to my email. I was put on the list as a fill in as I took too long in applying. I was so excited when I received that call Wednesday morning, I had to step up and get my Stage Kitten on. Another challenge I thought, bring it!

For those of you not familiar with that scene, Polly Rae's show is a burlesque show, where she and a bunch of woman get creative on stage and take items of clothing off, sing and dance around. My job was to assist some of the performers on and off stage, open curtains, hand over props, set props on stage and remove bras and costumes from the stage. All this is done by me alone, in heels and a tiny, sexy, costume!

Yes, me an awkward, shy and reserved woman helping to keep a burlesque production running smoothly. I can now rephrase that first part of the sentence to; me, the awkward, confident, go getter who isn't afraid to run around in fishnet stockings, heels and not much else and even curtsy and smile at the audience while being introduced on stage by the one and only Miss Polly Rae herself.

All I can say is, wow Sydney has made me a stronger, braver and more self assured woman, more so then I have ever felt in my life. Of course I also have friends here who have shown me the love and support I needed to grow into this unstoppable force! OK so not unstoppable, but I have set myself no limits this year.

On the Thursday night, my Stage Kitten debut, I had two friends in the audience. While heading down to meet with one before the show, I found a $50 note on the floor. I told him when I got to him and he said that 2012 is just starting but its been amazing so far. He is right, its going to be 100 times better then the last, as it already has started brilliantly!

What can I say now to top it all off, not much really. I would like to say that I am looking forward to what ever else the universe throws at me, like this film job in Sydney I got called for today. Looks like Sydney is not done with me yet. If all goes well with the director tomorrow, ill be back in Sydney end of March! This is all mental and I wouldn't want 2012 to be any other way.

Tuesday 17th January 8.57pm     

Cheers to my year of disappointment

So the first of January has come and gone already and I had spent it staggering home in the wee hours of the morning from a house party, sleeping in with a special someone, laughing a lot, listening to music and eating a delicious lunch followed by lazing around in my new lingerie in and out of a lazy sleep coma. I am off to a good start if my new year’s resolution is to have more fun and be care free (part of it is).  

It is a relief and a great feeling to have a brand new year unrolling round, as now I have a new chapter to start afresh and work on my new year’s resolutions , which I will probably forget about come the month of May.

I had been waiting for this year to be over for months now; it was such a bad year of disappointments for me and a year of loss and confusion.  Everything that could go wrong did and it did on a regular basis, much to my dismay. Quitting one of my job two days ago also added to the relief and I now feel I am ready for the New Year.

Over the last four or so months I have been debating with myself whether I stay in Sydney or leave to start afresh in my home town of Melbourne. I have had many doubts about returning back home as I am not one to just hit the road for an easy way out, I like a challenge and I like to test myself till I drive myself mad with options.  Although saying that I am one to drag excess baggage along with me and run from what I can’t escape in the hope that it will be better this time round.

A week ago I had made up my mind that I was heading back home after my trip to Byron and Melbourne. I then got myself all in a frenzy as I now had friendships that I was not willing to pack up and walk away from just yet, friendships which at this point of my life are fulfilling me on different levels and helping me to grow into a more confident woman.

I am actually starting to enjoy myself here in Sydney with the new life I alone have built for myself. Due to these strong connections and the thought of leaving in 3 weeks as well  as the thought of re-packing everything , getting rid of my lease and quitting my market job I was feeling overwhelmed.

Christmas away from the family for the second year in a row was a tough one, even though I did spend my day in the company of a lovely friend and her adorable family. This factor along with talking to friends I respect and look up to back in Melbourne and an old flame who is visiting there had me thinking that I had to get back home in order to be fulfilled and supported.

I ran though my confusions so many times with my older and wiser friend and she set me straight, no she more like made me see sense and realise that I don’t have to run home just yet, I can enjoy myself here in Sydney and take my new experiences as they come. This I have taken on board and I must say I like this adventure better than the one I was considering putting myself though.

So with that dilemma sorted I have decided April for some crazy reason, I don’t know why, I just figured that things in my life I am enjoying now will be different then. Basically I have given myself four months left in Sydney, however I still can’t comprehend leaving certain people but nor am I going to stay just for a feeling for contentment others are giving me right now. Contentment in your life must come from within, and who you are as an individual and not from others. Doing things to please others only leads you to resenting your true self and abandoning your soul.

Anyway, last night while sitting in my room before heading out to a friend’s house to celebrate New Year’s, I was thinking back on my year of disappointments. I thought that I would be spending Christmas and New Years Eve alone, but it appears that my luck had been changing of late because I am making the luck work for me.

I was a little apprehensive to attend the party I had been invited to because I was attending alone and I was a little nervous that I would be sitting there alone with a crowded house full of Sydney-siders that I did not know. I moped around my studio for a short period and took my time getting ready and I slowly made my way over.

Much to my surprise on arrival at around 10pm, it was a small gathering of about six people, most of whom I already knew though working on a film with them earlier on in the year. So this was a good sign as we all had common interest and these are the kind of people I need to be surrounded by. I sat down amongst them on the balcony, opened a bottle of cider and relaxed, chatted, listened to music and soaked up the position of the balcony which gave us the most breathtaking view of the city with the Harbour Bridge right in the middle. This was going to be a good New Years, I could tell.

 The night went on, quiet yet fun and cosy and later on in the evening just before midnight we were joined by a few others and the party took on a whole new vibe. The new comers we loud and crazy, shuffle dancing all over the balcony and we were all laughing like a bunch of mad people.

 There was great anticipation in the air as there was 20 minutes left of 2011. We all positioned our chairs, got comfy amongst one another and waited.

The fireworks over the city were something quite magical, better than I had expected. I was in the arms of a friend I cared about and we were taking in the moment for all that it was worth, it was a moment I knew would stay with me forever. The whole group of us, there on this tiny balcony watched as the sky lit up and the Harbour Bridge was made centre of attention.

It was in that brief moment in time as I was watching the new year change over in the company of my new friends, that I reminded myself of something I think I must have always known but somehow chosen to forget; What is important is not how you choose to spend your time celebrating something it is more about who you chose to spend your time celebrating it with.

Bring on 2012, I am ready.