Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Last night I walked though the city after the Christmas party which I attended for my market job. There was a sprinkle of light rain coming down and it felt strange wearing a coat at the start of summer but I relished the feeling of the drops of water as they hit my face. I could feel the crispness of the fresh air and it was actually a nice night to be walking even though it was almost midnight.

As I walked I started to reflect on my year and the constant battle that was being fought in my head continued, should I stay in Sydney or should I go to home to Melbourne. I have been swinging different ways every single day, one day I am staying, the next I am leaving.

There were a few other things on my mind last night all of which are relevant to the battle and more so to the root of my search for myself and the growth of myself as a responsible, and independent person.

Last night was the night that a film friend back home in Melbourne had his Made In Melbourne film festival, as he has for the last two years. I thought about how desperately I wanted to be there for the opening night and how amazing it would have been seeing my film buddies, the people I had spent a lot of time with over the years on and off film sets. I was part of the crew yet now I felt so out of the loop, because well I am.

When I was in Melbourne last for Samantha's funeral my friend and I hung out and we talked a lot. He did invite me to this event and I can't remember what I replied. I probably said "I will see". You see, I have become a "maybe" and a "I will see" kinda girl the last year and it is not till now that it has miraculously hit me that I am losing myself to a life I do not care for. I hate my second job, it is pointless and the hours mean I have no time to go home to an early dinner, let alone hold a social life. My market job is restricting me also from enjoying the summer getting out there and mingling with new people, I have cancelled so many meet ups with so many groups since I joined the site Meet Ups. I haven't been free to attend anything yet, I have been working both days over the weekends.

The dinner I was attending that night was set for 7pm, I got there at 8.30pm due to work, which I got held up at. This is my point exactly, I am living a life that is not me and it is heading the wrong way, like a plane being flown on auto pilot, that is how I feel.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that I have been missing out on taking trips to Melbourne to visit family and friends for birthdays, special occasions and events such as Made In Melbourne, which are all one offs.  I will not be home for Christmas or New Years this year. No I am not staying here to rage on in the city at some wild party with friends ( I have only a small group of friends in Sydney) the reason I am staying in Sydney for these special days while everyone else has friends and family close,  is to work at the markets.

I am doing so that I can make money to keep myself alive and pay my rent in January when the nut shop job is closed for a month due to a re-furb. I also have a trip to Byron I must fund in January and I have bills and rent that needs paying. This is now my new goal , save and work. This is why I didn't book a ticket down to be with my crew and this is why I will be alone and miserable come the holiday season.

Another thing that dawned on me yesterday is the fact that I haven't been on a film set since the start of the year, I can't remember the last time really, it has been too long. The reason for this is the same, I work weekends when they are mostly filmed and during the week which is when I work the days set out for me by my boss, I didn't allocate my "available" days, I just do whatI am given.

What I have learnt from these missed opportunities is that I need to be more assertive at work. If I can't work I cant work, I shouldn't organise what I want to do with my spare time with my boss, I should be assertive enough to say, I will be away from this day to this day, replace me please! At least I know what I need to work on.

I also realised that I need to spend more time on myself and more time with loved ones. This all stems back to the job choices I have made but having said that, I have the choice to leave. If I worked full time I could afford to take regular trips to Melbourne on the weekend and I also wouldn't be working all weekend at the markets. I could actually have a life too and get back to my Yoga practise which I have been leaving behind amongst other hobbies I no longer participate in.

You could say that I have worked out my New Years Resolution already. We all know that we never stick to these resolutions but I plan to because as a wise friend used to always say to me, "hindsight is a wonderful thing".

In the movies

In the movies, the romantic comedies to be exact the single women is protrayed to be somewhat unsure of what she wants from a guy, desperately seeking one and mostly awkward when around one. That is unless you watch Sex in the City. Those women although they sometimes get into weird situations , they mostly have the power, are successful individuals and are enjoying living in the city. Then again, they are not all single.

What I am getting at with this is that I am single and living right in the heart of the excitement, on my own and in my own place. This is my second night in Paddington and the only excitement I have had is happening right now as Eminem is playing at the sports stadiuem down the road. I guess that if I actually get out of my studio room I would actually discover a whole new world.

I have been living in Sydney for a year now and I don't feel that I have actually lived as I have been in the suburbs with families for neighbours but I must say I am missing the mornings at the beach, running on the sand followed by a swim afterwards.  I also miss my clean bathroom and my huge kitchen space, mostly my oven!

Living here now, I will be meeting more people and the right kind of people and I hope that I don't become one of those girls I mentioned from the romantic comedies. What am I saying, it is too late as I do get all stupid just like that chick in the movie "He is just not that into you". I swear that that charcter reacts the same way as I do when I'm seeing a guy, howver that is another blog post entirly.We can't follow those American films anyhow, right? If we did we would belive that teenagers went to school in minis and heels like the girls in Mean Girls. What a load of bull.

Anyway, all I know is that once I get off my behind and unpack everything and find every little item a home I will be settled and ready to discover my new surroundings. This change I know will influence the desicion I make of wheater I stay on in Sydney a little longer or if I leave after returning from my trip from Byron Bay. I am waiting to see if my feeling towards Sydney will change.

Today I went back to the old place to collect more of my things and I collapsed on the floor from being so overwhelmed by the stress of everything (mostly my mind numbing jobs which have been holding me back socially due to the hours and days I work) that I had one of those "I should have just went home" moments again which I have been having on a weekly basis lately since my life has been collapsing around me like smashed lego.

I called my mum in a hysterical fit and ranted on about what I would do on my arrival back to Melbourne. When I thought about it I really didn't know what I would do on my arrival. Where will I work, who will I be?

Not to worry, for now I just have to get by best I can, try and find new jobs so that I can live that Sex In The City lifestyle portrayed on the screen. Doubt it, like I said before, its all a load of bullshit. I do however want to enjoy my time in Sydney so that I don't look back at these times with bitter memories, not that I have bitter memories of Dan, just everything else like work and the opportunities I have missed due to working weekends and late nights during the week.

How I am going to do this will all make sense when my head is clear and more then anything I am just hoping that everything will fall into place and I will have my happy ending, just like in the movies.

Packing my life into boxes

It may be day three days or so now that I have been living alone in the apartment that I once shared with my ex and best friend of two years, Daniel . Who's counting anyway? Me of course.

Counting the days is not something I am doing because I am melancholy about the situation as it stands but more counting the days so that the chaos and waiting to start the next chapter of my life will be over soon. In a few days I will have my own little place to call home, and nobody to come home to.

On Sunday I worked during the day and I knew that Dan would be cleaning up and taking what he needed out of the apartment. I was quite aware that I would come home and all would be different. No more ABC radio blaring when I returned from work and the sound of speedway car videos playing on you tube will not be heard and no more Mittens tripping me over when she wants to eat in the mornings. No more long chats, no more feeling comfortable and certainly no more 'us', as a couple anyway.

Coming home after a killer of a day and not having your best friend of 2 years standing there to great you and coming home to find no furniture really sends you back down to earth and tells you that it is really happening. I wake up off the floor ( I am currently sleeping on a body pillow as I have no bed) and it becomes real again. It is just little me with my big dreams trying to make my way in a city which I am not sure I am fond of.

Even after we broke up, and continued living together, it felt like we were still a couple, just without the stuff couples do, the sexual and physical stuff. Now that Dan is finally removed from my everyday life it is starting to sink in, we are no longer together, just friends. Officially.

Now as I pack my life into boxes ready for my next move I reflect on what was and I smile, it was good but I look forward to moving on and starting again, for the 5th time in my life. But who is counting, not me. I don't have time to count, I am too busy packing my life into boxes!