Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Last night I walked though the city after the Christmas party which I attended for my market job. There was a sprinkle of light rain coming down and it felt strange wearing a coat at the start of summer but I relished the feeling of the drops of water as they hit my face. I could feel the crispness of the fresh air and it was actually a nice night to be walking even though it was almost midnight.

As I walked I started to reflect on my year and the constant battle that was being fought in my head continued, should I stay in Sydney or should I go to home to Melbourne. I have been swinging different ways every single day, one day I am staying, the next I am leaving.

There were a few other things on my mind last night all of which are relevant to the battle and more so to the root of my search for myself and the growth of myself as a responsible, and independent person.

Last night was the night that a film friend back home in Melbourne had his Made In Melbourne film festival, as he has for the last two years. I thought about how desperately I wanted to be there for the opening night and how amazing it would have been seeing my film buddies, the people I had spent a lot of time with over the years on and off film sets. I was part of the crew yet now I felt so out of the loop, because well I am.

When I was in Melbourne last for Samantha's funeral my friend and I hung out and we talked a lot. He did invite me to this event and I can't remember what I replied. I probably said "I will see". You see, I have become a "maybe" and a "I will see" kinda girl the last year and it is not till now that it has miraculously hit me that I am losing myself to a life I do not care for. I hate my second job, it is pointless and the hours mean I have no time to go home to an early dinner, let alone hold a social life. My market job is restricting me also from enjoying the summer getting out there and mingling with new people, I have cancelled so many meet ups with so many groups since I joined the site Meet Ups. I haven't been free to attend anything yet, I have been working both days over the weekends.

The dinner I was attending that night was set for 7pm, I got there at 8.30pm due to work, which I got held up at. This is my point exactly, I am living a life that is not me and it is heading the wrong way, like a plane being flown on auto pilot, that is how I feel.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that I have been missing out on taking trips to Melbourne to visit family and friends for birthdays, special occasions and events such as Made In Melbourne, which are all one offs.  I will not be home for Christmas or New Years this year. No I am not staying here to rage on in the city at some wild party with friends ( I have only a small group of friends in Sydney) the reason I am staying in Sydney for these special days while everyone else has friends and family close,  is to work at the markets.

I am doing so that I can make money to keep myself alive and pay my rent in January when the nut shop job is closed for a month due to a re-furb. I also have a trip to Byron I must fund in January and I have bills and rent that needs paying. This is now my new goal , save and work. This is why I didn't book a ticket down to be with my crew and this is why I will be alone and miserable come the holiday season.

Another thing that dawned on me yesterday is the fact that I haven't been on a film set since the start of the year, I can't remember the last time really, it has been too long. The reason for this is the same, I work weekends when they are mostly filmed and during the week which is when I work the days set out for me by my boss, I didn't allocate my "available" days, I just do whatI am given.

What I have learnt from these missed opportunities is that I need to be more assertive at work. If I can't work I cant work, I shouldn't organise what I want to do with my spare time with my boss, I should be assertive enough to say, I will be away from this day to this day, replace me please! At least I know what I need to work on.

I also realised that I need to spend more time on myself and more time with loved ones. This all stems back to the job choices I have made but having said that, I have the choice to leave. If I worked full time I could afford to take regular trips to Melbourne on the weekend and I also wouldn't be working all weekend at the markets. I could actually have a life too and get back to my Yoga practise which I have been leaving behind amongst other hobbies I no longer participate in.

You could say that I have worked out my New Years Resolution already. We all know that we never stick to these resolutions but I plan to because as a wise friend used to always say to me, "hindsight is a wonderful thing".