I have just woken up in my old bed, in my old room at my mum and dad's house back in Melbourne. It would have been more appropriate if I actually wrote last night rather then this morning but you see I was still trying to get used to the idea of being back home in Melbourne, for good and my mind was in overload.
All through my holiday in Byron I was counting the days, anticipating the moment and wanting the day that I move back to come much sooner.
I even woke up super early on the last day and got everything sorted so I can get out of Byron Bay and start over in Melbourne. Of late when I know I have to urgently do something, I do something else and leave the urgent to the last minute due to not wanting to deal with it, be it too much to handle or too much emotional effort.
I checked the departures screen at Ballina airport a hundred times for the time of departure even though I clearly knew it and probably that was the same number of times that I checked my phone for the time!
Yes, a little OCD I know but I was so eager to get back to Melbourne and start again as I felt ready to do this, start again in Melbourne and give it a proper shot this time around. I'm a stronger and more confident woman now so I am well excited to kick 2012's arse hard.
You should have seen me on the plane trip back , checking the guys wrist watch next to me constantly, as I couldn't use my mobile, trying to sleep even though I was cold just so I could kill the time to make it go faster. Ah, the things we do to trick ourselves!
When the plane was about to land I was like an over hyped child waiting for the stroke of midnight to happen on Christmas day just so I can open my gifts. I looked from window to window constantly, left and right and watched with a big smile on my face as the wheels touched down and I could see we had landed. Some would say I was too excited, perhaps I was but so what!
Last night I was so sad that I fell asleep crying due to the fact that I don't do good byes too well. I had been talking to a friend, somebody special that I left behind in Sydney and missed dearly, it was 1am and he had to hang up as he had just arrived home from a long night. As he said goodnight, I wanted to say more but had not the words or the ability to do so. I said goodnight and hung up and then I sat in bed flicking though pictures of us, then I fell asleep in my tears.
Anyone who I have been emotionally attached too or friends who know me well (few do) know this about me. I over think situations, change my mind a thousand times, make up scenarios, picture what the last goodbye will be like and then stress about it for a week till I'm anxious about it and on the verge of depression.
If I were a super hero I'd have to be an Xmen character. I'd have super human emotions mixed in with the super visual ability to see things before they happen due to imagination and id be able to over think any situation and visualise an ending, positive or negative depending on my mood.
Heavy I know, I'm a dork and I've finally realised and accepted the fact. We all deal with change in different ways as well as loss, separation and the downfall of our choices.
Today is another day, I'm going to keep settling in to my new, second chance life in Melbourne and then deal with the over thinking and emotional me later.
Loneliness brings out the desperation and clingy side in anyone, even the strongest, we just show it in different ways, some people in more of a subtle way where you have to read between the lines of what they say and some in an open "Ill tell you I need you straight up to your face" kinda way. Me I think I'm an in between kind of girl depending on the frame of mind I'm in on the day. Then again, I don't know but I'm done with all the over thinking for now, its way to early in the day to bring out my super powers.
Friday 27th of January 8.07am
All through my holiday in Byron I was counting the days, anticipating the moment and wanting the day that I move back to come much sooner.
I even woke up super early on the last day and got everything sorted so I can get out of Byron Bay and start over in Melbourne. Of late when I know I have to urgently do something, I do something else and leave the urgent to the last minute due to not wanting to deal with it, be it too much to handle or too much emotional effort.
I checked the departures screen at Ballina airport a hundred times for the time of departure even though I clearly knew it and probably that was the same number of times that I checked my phone for the time!
Yes, a little OCD I know but I was so eager to get back to Melbourne and start again as I felt ready to do this, start again in Melbourne and give it a proper shot this time around. I'm a stronger and more confident woman now so I am well excited to kick 2012's arse hard.
You should have seen me on the plane trip back , checking the guys wrist watch next to me constantly, as I couldn't use my mobile, trying to sleep even though I was cold just so I could kill the time to make it go faster. Ah, the things we do to trick ourselves!
When the plane was about to land I was like an over hyped child waiting for the stroke of midnight to happen on Christmas day just so I can open my gifts. I looked from window to window constantly, left and right and watched with a big smile on my face as the wheels touched down and I could see we had landed. Some would say I was too excited, perhaps I was but so what!
Last night I was so sad that I fell asleep crying due to the fact that I don't do good byes too well. I had been talking to a friend, somebody special that I left behind in Sydney and missed dearly, it was 1am and he had to hang up as he had just arrived home from a long night. As he said goodnight, I wanted to say more but had not the words or the ability to do so. I said goodnight and hung up and then I sat in bed flicking though pictures of us, then I fell asleep in my tears.
Anyone who I have been emotionally attached too or friends who know me well (few do) know this about me. I over think situations, change my mind a thousand times, make up scenarios, picture what the last goodbye will be like and then stress about it for a week till I'm anxious about it and on the verge of depression.
If I were a super hero I'd have to be an Xmen character. I'd have super human emotions mixed in with the super visual ability to see things before they happen due to imagination and id be able to over think any situation and visualise an ending, positive or negative depending on my mood.
Heavy I know, I'm a dork and I've finally realised and accepted the fact. We all deal with change in different ways as well as loss, separation and the downfall of our choices.
Today is another day, I'm going to keep settling in to my new, second chance life in Melbourne and then deal with the over thinking and emotional me later.
Loneliness brings out the desperation and clingy side in anyone, even the strongest, we just show it in different ways, some people in more of a subtle way where you have to read between the lines of what they say and some in an open "Ill tell you I need you straight up to your face" kinda way. Me I think I'm an in between kind of girl depending on the frame of mind I'm in on the day. Then again, I don't know but I'm done with all the over thinking for now, its way to early in the day to bring out my super powers.
Friday 27th of January 8.07am
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